Anant Gupta and the Media Cirus.

It’s a common fact that with the many 24 hour news channels on air today, and with news of real political or social importance being in short supply, news of no real interest or importance is aired. One day it's how Indian cricket is in its best shape ever and the next they're sounding the death toll for the sport - it's ridiculous what they do to somehow manage to fill up their slots. In fact, when Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna was released, one channel was predicting what a huge hit its going to be and another was predicting it was going to flop miserably.

But today I witnessed possibly the most disgusting low that the Indian media could go. If you've been reading the papers over the last couple of days, you'd know about the kidnapping case - the son of the CEO of Adobe India, Naresh Gupta was kidnapped. Three year old Anant was snatched away on his way to school and over the last couple of days the media has more-or-less camped outside the Gupta household taking pictures of the distraught family and airing private grief for public consumption.

Anyway, today Anant was returned to the Gupta's - apparently he was dropped off in an auto outside the house. And then hell broke loose. Or a media carnival. Whichever you think is worse... It started off with that anchor Zaka Jacob at the residence, smirking at the camera, claiming that it was an "unforgettable day". Damn right it was - it was a bloody circus. Headlines Today got a "scoop" by getting an "exclusive interview" from the 3 year old kid! Can you imagine! What a disgusting thing to do. A travesty of news reporting - it was so damn cheap. The kid was up there answering the questions thrown at him, but I mean he doesn’t know what he's doing... He didn't even know he was kidnapped - he was up there saying that he was with three "Bhayas" and had gone to their house for a couple of days and that they'd let him go and stuff - it just doesn't seem fair to allow such irresponsible reporting.

And what about the parents? They're more than culpable - making a circus out of the whole thing... And these are the same people who pleaded that the media keep calm and respect their privacy. They're distributing sweets and giving interviews - even Anant's 2nd standard sister got her sound bytes in ("I don't know how he came back. I fed him sweets and I am very happy"). If another bunch of kidnappers walked in with a press card, they'd be able to walk away with the kid without anyone noticing.

What a bloody farce! It'd be hilarious if it wasn't so damn pathetic...

God's Existance - A Management Perspective.

Management courses - well, I'm quite ashamed to admit it, but I rather like the thing, you know. It teaches you things that have such wide application. Admittedly, it's generally in fields that are unrelated, albeit interesting - but still... For example, in our Decision Analysis class we learnt a nifty little tool known as Payoff Matrices (well, actually it's neither nifty nor very small), and I thought this up the other day - although I still haven't quite figured out how to use the damn thing to make Management decisions.

Anyway, without further ado:

Use of Payoff Matrix to Prove That it is Man’s Optimum Strategy to Believe in God’s Existence.

Introduction And Background:

The question of the Existence of God is one that has been debated endlessly. Various religions make various claims, but ultimately it is a matter of faith – using science, one cannot pick any religion that has an edge over the other. Here I will prove that although it is unknown that God does exist, it is Man’s Optimal Strategy to believe in His Existence. The assumptions made are as follows:

Man will choose a strategy that has the best payoff and the least penalty.

• When Man believes in the Existence of God, he will do his best to act according to His teachings i.e. he will shun violence, do what is right etc. Although this may not be true in every case, it will be true on average, as Man will be motivated to do good by a higher calling, with the aim of going to Heaven in his mind.
• When Man believes in the Existence of God, and he does his best to follow God’s teachings, he will go to Heaven. Here, Heaven is considered as the maximum payoff.
• When Man does not believe in the Existence of God, he may still believe in God’s teaching, believing them to be good. However, he will not be bound to follow them, and in cases of adversity or moral choice, he may choose the option which will offer him a larger payoff.
  If Man does not follow God’s teaching and commandments and He does exist, then Man will have to face the maximum penalty that is going to Hell.
• The case of one believing in the Existence of God but not following His teachings cannot be considered as it will mean that the payoff will not be maximum (here Heaven), hence violating the first rule.
• If God does not exist, there are zero payoffs for Man in either case.

For Man who does not believe in the Existence of God, but chooses to follow His teachings, when he is faced with a situation where he has to make a choice between doing something that violates God’s teachings and following it, he will choose whichever option that offers him maximum payoff, in accordance with the first point. This may, however, be subjective and depend on each individual. However, since he is not bound to make the choice, unlike the Man who believes in God, it is safe to assume that he will violate the teachings at some point i.e. when the payoff offered is sufficiently high.

However, in the case of Man who does believe in the Existence of God, it is assumed that he will make a decision following God’s teachings as the relative weight of anything offered will be less that the maximum payoff, i.e. Heaven.

Construction of the Payoff Matrix can be made considering two strategies – Man believing in God’s Existence and Man not believing in God’s Existence. Similarly, there are two states of nature by which Man can choose his strategy – God Existing and God not Existing.

• If God exists, and Man believes, since he will follow His teachings, as proved above, the payoff for this is Heaven (+ ∞).
• If God exists and Man does not believe in it, then he is likely not to follow his teachings, and hence the payoff will be Hell (- ∞).
• If God does not exist, and Man believes then the payoff is zero.
• If God does not exist, and Man does not believe then the payoff is zero.

Thus our Payoff Matrix looks as such:

Now there are three decision rules one can adopt depending on the personality that one is considering. The strategies, in most cases, are different; but in cases where they are all the same, the strategy is known as a dominant strategy and is the one that will always be selected.

The different rules are:

• The MaxiMax Decision Rule
• The MaxiMin Decision Rule and
• The MiniMax Regret Decision Rule.

MaxiMax Decision Rule:

The MaxiMax Decision Rule consists of identifying the maximum payoff for each alternative and choosing the alternative with the largest maximum payoff.

Using the MaxiMax Decision Rule, for each of the strategies that can be adopted, we have the maximum payoffs as such:

Thus by using the MaxiMax Decision Rule, Man ought to choose the strategy of believing in the existence of God.

MaxiMin Decision Rule:

The MaxiMin Decision Rule consists of identifying the minimum payoff for each alternative and choosing the alternative with the largest minimum payoff.

Using the MaxiMin Decision Rule, for each of the strategies that can be adopted, we have the minimum payoffs as such:

Thus by using the MaxiMin Decision Rule, Man should once again choose the strategy of believing in the existence of God.

MiniMax Regret Decision Rule:

The MiniMax Regret Decision Rule consists of computing the possible regret for each alternative under each state of nature, identifying the maximum possible regret for each alternative and choosing the alternative with the smallest maximum regret.

Using the MiniMax Regret Decision Rule, for each of the strategies adopted, we have the payoffs as follows:

By using the MiniMax Regret Decision Rule, Man should choose the strategy of believing in the existence of God.

Conclusion:

We see that whichever approach is used for decision making, we see that the dominant strategy in all cases is to choose the strategy of believing in the existence of God.

College is Closing!

That's it then! Five years and two degrees later I'm leaving the great and well renown Anna University. I just visited the site the other day, and I found that our University is what is technically and officially described "a unitary type of University offering higher education in Engineering, Technology and allied Sciences relevant to the current and projected needs of the society."

All balls, of course.

Further, the website states "Besides promoting research and disseminating knowledge gained therefrom, it fosters cooperation between the academic and industrial communities." (If you'd care to tickle your funny-bone by reading the rest of that ridiculously pretensions (not to mention badly written) gasconade, by all means go ahead - here's the link.) Nothing could, really, be further from the truth. I don't mean to knock it, after all, it IS my alma mater (all right, fine! I DO mean to knock it!) but still, there has to be a limit to the amount of delusional claptrap the University Office releases. I mean, worrying isn't the word. I wonder if they managed to type this out with a straight face. What's even more scary is that they actually might believe it...

The dress code ban is rollicking along, with everyone really ignoring the rather refreshing and independent views of our Esteemed Vice-Chancellor. In this article, Mr. Viswanathan shows his opposition to students appearing in casuals stating that some of the boys come to classes sporting T-shirts with "vulgar writings". Now that's an interesting story:

What actually happened was that the VC was on one of his customary Terror Trips around the campus and went straight to one of our departments, which, curiously enough, has a reputation of being rather forward looking. So he stomps in and, on seeing the students in their colouful attire, totally blows his top:

"SO!!" He shouts, "Why wearing tee-baniyan??"

The students in their colourful attire, not being aware of the quaint and equally colourful term "tee-baniyan", look rather non-pulssed.

"From now on," he continues, "People cannot wear tee-baniyans to college."

The class didn't know how to respond to this perplexing promulgation, so they did the safe thing in responding by continuing to look stunned.

After a bit of a lecture on Tamil and Indian Culture (typical PMK rhetoric), he left by advising the class on what he considered the "correct clothes" for college wear. He told the class not wear white shirts, as they are see through, not wear black shirts as they are depressing and not to wear red, green, pink, yellow, violet or orange as they are loud. As a final parting shot, he advised people wearing black and white shirts to avoid sitting together as it "causes contrast" and thus prevents the process of knowledge transfer from the sadly contrasted teacher to the class in general.

And, after he left, (because we started tracing the genesis of "vulgar writings") he came upon two boys in "tee-baniyans" that caught his ire for two reasons:

a) They were both black, and so, indubitable, depressed him.

b) They had rather.. um.. interesting captions - one having the pithy maxim "Fuck You!" emblazoned across it in neon green, and the other being rather more restrained in terms of literal discourse but no doubt making up for it pictorially, had a middle finger splashed across. Taciturn, indeed, but equally expressive. A picture is worth a thousand words and all that, no doubt....

Anyway, to cut a long story short (too late for that now, I guess), the VC did not, as the song goes "Look On The Bright Side Of Life" (in any case, he seems to have an aversion to bright colours) and as soon as possible complained to the press (see here again) about "vulgar writings" on tee shirts.

Talking about the website, you really should have a look at it - it's quite terrible. They've spruced up the front page now, so it's marginally better. You can have a look here if you want, but why they have to show the picture of the bugger sitting on the lawn is beyond me. It's always there... So he's Anna - big deal.

And the worst thing - here's the link to the "official notice" of cellphones being banned. It's absolutely ghastly - look at the page... I mean my cousin is seven and she could design a better page than that. You'd think as a "unitary type of University" blah blah that they'd make it a little sexier, wouldn't you? Crap - they have departments and departments of software engineers coming out and they design a page like this?!? Makes me sick. Here's the page.

Anyway, so that's that. I've been working on a website over the last few weeks for the oncoming World Cup. If you haven't visited the site as yet, here's the link. Among other things, I've been thinking of starting a blog to air my political views, and I'll be sure to put the link up as soon as it materialises.

The Longest Journey.

Well, I'm just back from an invigorating trip to Ooty. Ooty (or Udghamandalam for the intransigent jingoistic linguist) has grown since I first went there, but not since I last did. We went up for the Easter weekend - we generally go up for Easter, my family and I - it's a family tradition of sorts. We all leave our respective homes on Thursday morning and land up at our place in Ooty by late Thursday and spend the whole evening together, as a family. The next day we attend Good Friday Service at the Orthodox Church in Conoor (a Malayalam service) and are thoroughly tortured together, once again, as a family. Rather beautiful, really...

However, this year, I decided that I would join the family up at Ooty on Friday evening, after attending the Good Friday Service down in Coimbatore. So I accordingly embarked upon the bus at around two. Bus journeys to Ooty can be classified into two type :

a) Bad

b) Worse

This one, thankfully, was merely Bad.

It started off all right - I jumped into a bus that was about to leave, got a seat and settled down fine. So far so good? Well, that's about as good as it got (Oh my God! - two cliches in twelve words.... That's terrible! My writing is rapidly going downhill...). I got into one of those buses which, for some inexplicable reason, most people here seem to think are a Mighty Marvel of Modern Mechanics - a DVD coach. I don't really agree about that. Actually, I disagree. Strongly. In fact, I'm of the firm opinion that if one has been a bit of a naughty boy, and once one dies and is doomed to spend the rest of eternity in the Ninth Circle of the Inferno, Satan will, on special occasions, torment his subjects by making them sit in one a DVD coach while he drives them up to Ooty tooting obstreperously on his horn (pun intended). I really think so. No one, however, seemed to share my view. On the contrary, everyone seemed to have a gala time. Except me, of course. They'd put on some awful movie songs with a beat resembling something or someone hitting what I can only assume to be a tin can with a fifty paisa coin in a very rambunctious and tuneless manner. And, to add insult to injury, I was seated near the speaker.

Even when one relates these incidents, seated comfortably miles away both spatially and temporally from the incident, the memory of the suffering endured and the torture withstood is likely to strike fire from the heart of man and bring tears from the eyes of women. So one would understand when I say that I was not exactly in my most gregarious and effusive mood. But, as fate would have it, I was seated next to a sociable septuagenarian - a woman as garrulous as I was reticent and as loquacious as I was taciturn.

"So," she said in Tamil. "Are you going up to Ooty?"

I maintained a stony silence.

"Traveling alone?"

I studied the roof of the bus intently.

There was silence for a few minutes.

"The weather is very hot, isn't it?" she asked.

I stubbornly refrained from speaking. A sphinx could have learned to ply its
trade from me.

There was silence for a few more minutes as the lady pondered upon what course of action to take.

Suddenly a biscuit packet was thrust violently under my nose.

"Want a biscuit, ma?" she asked.

The bus hit a bump, and her hand involuntary jerked up. I was biffed in the nose by a packet of biscuits.

"No thanks," I said ungraciously, rubbing my nose.

"Have, have."

"No, really. I just ate."

"Good, good.... So," she said, " Are you going up to Ooty?"

I realised here that I was in trouble. This woman was evidently a Past Master in Making People Talk.

"Hmmm," I said, noncommittally, making a sound that could indicate that I was or I wasn't.

We began our ascent up the mountain.

"Traveling alone?"

"Hmmm," I said, noncommittally, making a sound that could indicate that I was or I wasn't.

"It's very hot isn't it?"

"Hmmm," I said, noncommittally, making a sound that could indicate that it was or it wasn't.

"It'll be cooler once we go up."

"Hmmm," I said, noncommittally, getting the hang of the whole conversation.

"Fasds wasdac asdfs."

"Hm... Hmmm?" I asked, suddenly thrown off.

"I asked if you were felling sleepy."

"Yes, yes, yes, yes," I said, gratefully. "I am. I think I'll sleep now."

So saying I lent back to sleep, but the bus suddenly and violently screeched to a halt.

"TEA!!!" the conductor bellowed. "Ten minutes break."

I sighed as I moved to let the old lady out. She seemed delighted at the chance to stretch her legs.

"Tea!" she exclaimed. "Ooty tea is the best in South India."

"Hmmm," I said, moodily, making a sound that could indicate that it was or it wasn't.

I disembarked as well and, walking up to the tea shop, I bought myself a tea. This trip was working out awfully. Mad grannys and rotten music. I hoped the second leg would be better. At any rate, I decided that I would firmly make it known that conversation of any kind was unwelcome. I mean it's a free country. People have a right not to get tortured. This isn't fair.

Fortified by a cup of tea, I boarded the bus again. Granny was there already.

"So," she said as I sat down and the bus began to move, "Wasn't that good?"

I relapsed into moody silence, wondering how to get rid of the old lady. The bus climbed higher.

"Tea always tastes good in the hills," she said, as a lorry roared by.

I scowled in reply.

"Oh!" she said, "I don't like that smell either! Those dirty diesel vehicles cause too much pollution when they drive uphill."

I narrowed my eyes menacingly.

"And the smoke gets in your eyes too, doesn't it?" she added sympathetically. "Does it hurt very much?"

"No," I said, through clenched teeth.

"Is your throat hurting too? We shouldn't allow lorries uphill during the day."

I gave up. I was defeated. I was a broken man. I do not want to dwell anymore upon the story, but suffice to say I had to endure another half an hour of lousy music and loony conversation. I reached the Ooty bus stop and stumbled out of the bus like some shipwrecked mariner upon a deserted island, and staggered away home.

This story, sadly, does not have a moral. Or if it does, it's something that is not immediately visible. Not at first glance at least. Maybe it is that one must always look on the bright side. For I must admit, the bus ride could have been Worse. It could have been like the last time I returned by bus from Ooty. Compared to that time, this was a stroll in the park. A lighthearted jaunt in the sunshine. The other was a horror story - it really was. But now is not the time for that story. Now is the time for drinking, now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. Perhaps later, when you've broken a limb or torn a ligament and sadly bedridden, I will tell you the story. I will come when Life has no meaning and when you are crushed under it's heavy foot. When the bird does not sing. When the stream is silent. When the brook does not babble. I will come to visit you with a spring in my step and a song on my lips, and, sitting back sit in an armchair, with the sun setting in the background, a sight dimly seen through the partially drawn curtains, with a highball in my right hand I will begin to relate to you the whole sorry tale. And you, upon hearing the misfortunes I was sadly subjected to that day, will feel that things aren't as bleak as they look. In fact, they're positively bright. Here, beside the news of holy war and holy need, ours is just a little sorrowed talk, I will hear you hum to yourself.

And Life will take on new meaning. The bird in the sky will sing. The stream will sound. The brook will babble. And a shout of joy will pass your lips and you will Sing, as Pippa did, as he Passed, in his Song:

The year's at the spring,
And day's at the morn;
Morning's at seven;
The hill-side's dew-pearled;
The lark's on the wing;
The snail's on the thorn;
God's in his Heaven -
All's right with the world!

Verbal Garbage.

Today I came across a site (can’t remember the name, but I do assure you I did indeed come across it – all the way to the other side, even) for all those kinky sesquipedalian (I’m bound to have spelt that wrong – my troubles with normal, straightforward spellings, leave alone words having circumvallated themselves within thick walls of rough and dense verbage that I cannot for the life of me seem to penetrate, are well documented) out there (You rock, you crazy guys!! Or, as you’d perhaps prefer it – You are of an extremely calciferous, petrous and lithic nature, you outrageous, outlandish, mentally challenged sapient species)…

I actually can’t seem to remember how I did come across that site, you know… Mysterious. Inexplicable. Baffling, even. I mean, for one, it didn’t start off with four beers – that’s generally how these Great Mysteries start (It's like one moment you're in a cozy bar, having a little drink, and then, wham! the next moment you're in a dark alley at three in the morning with a concupiscent cat trying to interest you in the smell of it's rear). And secondly, I was supposed to be doing my assignment (on second thoughts, I think thats how I managed to come across it). And that got me thinking about this email I got the other day (Oh, fie upon you, perfidious disingenuous element of confabulation!) about verbose, periphrastic and generally confusing sentences; and so removing myself from the customary hebetudinous and torpid manifestations that usually accompany the somnolent state that I currently find myself in, I have contrived to reproduce, as best I can, examples of the above that are sure to delight and disgust you:


We'd Say : Beggars are not choosers
They'd Say : Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

We'd Say : Beauty is only skin deep
They'd Say : Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

We'd Say : Cleanliness is godliness
They'd Say : Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

We'd Say : Look before you leap
They'd Say : Surveillance should precede saltation.

We'd Say : Where there's smoke, there's fire!
They'd Say : Where there are visible vapours having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.


Isn’t this a fantabulous fricassee of the fustian form?!? Compendious, epigrammatic and orotund it most certainly is not. And in response, I would like to quote the pithy, sententious apothegm of the immortal Auther Dent.

As I recall, his exact words were, “Eh?”

- Me.

P.S. A game for those among you who enjoy such sport... There is one word used wrong in the sentences above. Would any of you care to point as to out which one it actually is?

Today's Fortune.

Keeping with my general joblessness and new found attraction/addiction to the internet, i've joined the Orkut Online Community (Who Do You Know?). It's a jolly decent community and i've managed to find a number of my Stanes friends whome i otherwise would have found it hard to communicate with... But anyway, leaving that and moving on, Orkut provides, as one of it's (presumably) Value-Added Features (though whatever Value it Adds, it is of a very dubious nature) a section called Today's Fortune. Today's Fortune can be viewed as soon as you log in (presumably for those among us who Can't Wait to Read Today's Fortune).

Well, I happened to log in (what sort of sentence is that anyway? Happened to log in... I mean how can one happen to log in? Technically i suppose I DID happen to log in... I mean it was an Event and it Happened, so i happened to log in... But if you scratch the surface, the sentence seems to rather suggest in a rather insidious and sinister way - not at all in an open way, mind you - that the Event occured by Accident, and not Design. Now why this sentence seems to suggest thus, I cannot say; but it does; and the sentence does not seem to take, in my view, a very wholesome approach to general sentencing by Hinting and Suggesting, rather than bravely just Saying it Right Out. I suppose it had to do with an unhappy childhood or perhaps being dropped on its' head when it was small... Anyway, I digress...) to Orkut the other day (thats another Funny Phrase (incidentally, thats a peculiarity in English... Look at this - Funny Phrase and Phunny Frase. Which sounds better?) which could mean yesterday, day-before, last week or even last year) and I found my Today's Forture as given below:


Today's fortune:
If your desires are not extravagant they will be granted

What I want to know is why in heaven's name you'd want to know Today's Fortune at all if all Today's Fortune is going to say is rubbish like this? I mean, its being unnecessarily supernumerary and to a ridiculous degree... If I wanted to know Today's Fortune, I'd want to know something useful, like what stocks to invest in or if i ought to take risks or something... Anything... Not utter claptrap like this... The people at Orkut are obviously not very creative. Why, I could come up with thousands and thousands of similar fortunes without thinking hard. Without even a furrow on my brow. For example:

"When you have lunch today, you are likely to feel full."

"Scratching your head today is on the cards."

"If you take off all your clothes and do an African war dance naked in the rain, the chances of the sun rising in the east are bright."

The guys at Orkut, I suppose, could also come up with these fortunes at a drop of a hat (assuming, of course, one drops it from a rather substantial height, and if it's aided by an updraft or two), but the whole Point of the Today's Fortune section is lost on me - I don't see what or how it could possibly justify it's existance. Even the weakest mind could see that it serves no forseeable purpose.... which leads me to believe that there is some Unforseen Purpose that must drive the makers of Today's Fortune on. Perhaps it is one that is simple and plain, such as annoying the daylights out of users. Or perhaps it is of a more subtle and elusive nature. Or perhaps we may never know. The secrets of the Masters may not be comprehensable to Mortals. What we might see as being Irritating and In Bad Taste may, in actuality, be a Lesson in Building Character and Moral Fibre... Ours is not to reason why, and all that jazz...

Meanwhile, have a nice day, and always keep in mind that the probability of a piano landing on your cranial cavity is neglegent.

What is Your World View?

This is mine, though.... You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. Cultural Creative 100% Postmodernist 63% Romanticist 56% Existentialist 56% Materialist 44% Idealist 38% Modernist 38% Fundamentalist 25% What is Your World View? (Yours, this time) courtesy QuizFarm.com

Rambl(ing) On.

Well, what with my new internet connection an all, over the last few day’s I’ve managed to spend more time on the internet than I did over the course of the entire last year. This is either an indication as to how long I’ve spent on the internet over the last few days or, alternatively, an indication of how little time I’ve spent on the internet over the entire last year. I’m totally addicted and I totally love it!! As a further achievement, and for 15 bonus points, I’ve also managed to download over four gigs in two days… Don’t you look scornful – that’s not bad at all considering it’s a 128kbps line… If I had use of better resources, I’d do SO much more damage… Case in point – in college, with our 2Mbps line, I’ve downloaded over 300Mb in under two hours (lab class, see). Sigh… Happy happy times…

You know, in a way I’m sad that the whole college-in-Madras part of my life is getting over… And although it started awfully, I must admit I’m enjoying the end thoroughly, especially the last week. There’s so much free time to do all the things in life that NEED to be done…

For instance :

























Anyway, you get the picture...